ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”