I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can