Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow