I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Yup!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.