I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?