When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.