Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
You Might Also Like
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room