My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Genius idea!!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
This meal prepping shit is easy
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Bootstraps
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.