when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
6. me as a lawyer
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*