VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.