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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
the three genders
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
get you a girl who
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials