McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
You Might Also Like
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
How did we not see this back then?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns