it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.