Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.