People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.