The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.