plant them where lol
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.