Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated