This meal prepping shit easy
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
selfie game
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The struggle is real
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Best spoiler warning ever
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed