9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
They’re stuck in your pants?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm