I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one