Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
i baked you a cake
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.