We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬