bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.