Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.