“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?