Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask đź‘ŹFor đź‘ŹHelp đź‘Ź
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
(Jupiter –
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I may be small, but so is a grenade.