I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive