Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You Might Also Like
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me, flirting😏
real
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
#oldknees
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Driving in Europe vs Canada