[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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Okay
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section