Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Damn what did I do next
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
LOL
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”