Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Who chose this font
😩😩😩
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair