When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.