I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Lol
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.