This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
You Might Also Like
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Ugh