my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
wow
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet