[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
The human personality is made of five key elements
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
This anagram machine is out of order.