Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
How do dragons blow out candles?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.