I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job