Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
respect
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.