I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Smells like a challenge to me
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise