Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”