The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.