My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.