Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud