Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You Might Also Like
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Cheer up.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Fight
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop