Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I will never stop laughing at this
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.