It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
You Might Also Like
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I am HOWLING at this
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
So sick of all these stupid rules