Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby