I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.